Bliss

It's 10:30 and I've already begun to snack on and chomp away at my pound bag of Twizzlers. Predictions are that the bag will either be gone or very close to gone by the end of the day. It's a problem, I know.

I bought a new face wash last week and it smells so good I want to eat it. It's made by St. Ives, it's a green tea scrub, and it just smells delicious. Given the fact that it has that salicylic acid in it, I think I'll refrain.

I've been a little stressed lately, and given my personality (read: trait inheritance from my mother), I've been worrying as well. This morning as I was toiling and worrying, Bob Marley came on my Pandora station and told me "don't worry 'bout a thing, cause every little thing's gonna be alright." Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not. Ironic? Yes. Just what I needed? Of course. It's funny how things happen like that at the moments you need them and it's also at times like that where I believe God is so real and present in my life. I couldn't really think of it being anything less.

You know, I've always wanted to succeed in life and do my very best and be happy. It's no different from anyone else, but for me, it's not wanting to make a mistake or a wrong decision, and almost a terrible fear of doing so. Have I before? Yes. Will I again? Most certainly. But recently, I've had to get past this fear, wrestling with myself regarding decisions and simply listen to my head and trust my heart.

Life is such a beautiful mess and all anyone tries to do is make it as neat and wonderful and poetic as possible. It's a mess because you go into something, you make a decision, and you never truly know what the outcome is going to be. You might have an idea, but you never know with absolute certainty, nor do you know what bumps or joys might come along the way. And it's beautiful because of those joys, the unexpected things that make you unexpectedly happy, the relationships you have with others, the love you share and are given, the moments you experience, and all that can bring complete happiness or earth shattering pain - but knowing that life continues on it's path, revealing and discovering more beauty as you move past what came before, joy or bump.

I think back to when life was simple - about age 0 to preteen/teen years - and that was bliss. They say ignorance is bliss, and I think it's largely true, unless you're being ignorant about something that you need to be responsible about, then you're being a deadbeat. But back as a kid, your biggest decision was choosing a purple or red popsicle (definitely red), whether you wanted to jump rope or swing or ride your bike, and whether to watch Barney or Sesame Street. Then it became decisions like whether or not to try out for the basketball team, whether to take chemistry or advanced placement chemistry, and then one of the most important, what college should I go to? In college, decisions whether to drink or not, rush a sorority, what you'll major in and what classes to take. From high school on, decisions have fluctuated from the minor ones to pretty significant life-direction ones. And now in this period of my life, I find myself making even more serious life changing decisions such as what job to take, where to live, should I charge that to my credit card? (Ok, the last one was to kind of lighten the mood, but it's still a decision). Ignorance was bliss. Back before we knew the complexities of the world and the chaos that is generally within, the responsibility of being an adult, and back when we chose to wear our light up sneakers instead of having to make a decision that will change life as you know it.

All I know is, in my short, just beginning age of 23, you can only make decisions based on what you know, what you believe is possible, what you believe is best, and what you believe will make your mess the most beautiful and you the happiest. Then after the decision is made, you have to hope for the best and be at peace with the decision you've made.

A very wise man, who will never be replaced in my heart and I cherish, influenced the above. He also told me that there is nothing that is permanent or cannot be changed except death, being pregnant/having kids, and probably taxes (ha, ha). I take that as just another part of the mess. If it's not so beautiful, things can be done to make it so.

I'm sure I'll make decisions and wonder "what if?" I already have done so with past decisions, and that's no doubt going to continue. But one decision I am certain of and will not wonder about: that I will make my decisions based on my desires, my dreams, and making my life the most beautiful.

Maybe the two (?) readers of my blog can take something away from this post. In any regard, it's been therapeutic to write.

Everything happens for a reason. And I have to believe the decision I just made is because of just that.